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Good day...

2009-05-23T16:18:00.000-07:00

...ladies and gents, if there are any who read this modest little corner of the net.

I know I've been away for a rather long time but I don't think I actually had a constant reader anyway.

I've been cramming my ever expanding brain, for the last ten months, with all the wonderfully delightful information necessary to become a Massage Therapist. I just graduated two days ago. Yeah me! (much deserved pat on the back). The schooling has been wonderful and the practice even better.

I've now joined the elite ranks of those who thoroughly enjoy what they do.

On other fronts, my kids are fantastic, fun, smart ass little extensions of myself, yet infinitely better. I've rediscovered my long lost Muse in the guise of a long lost friend whom I've never met (phone call...voice...hey I know you moment...long drawn out explanation which I'll skip); in other words, I've started writing again.

I've met wonderful people in the last year, discovered incredible music, managed another amazing 360 in my life and continue to suck every ounce of experience from this ever more delightful existence.

I'll try to keep up with this better, if for no other reason than the self satisfaction of seeing my thoughts on screen, but then again, seriously, how good have I ever been at that?

Much love to the world...

I think I should stand up

2008-04-12T05:00:00.000-07:00

Good day, lovely people.

I just came from the gas station where the price of one gallon of regular gas is $3.85 in my lovely little corner of the world.

Remember last year when people were encouraged to not buy gas for a day? Didn't seem to have done us much good. Gas prices are still on the rise, which in turn, of course, has effected the price of groceries, products and services.

At this point, I'm not sure what will do any good. I can barely afford to get to work since I work in the next town over and public transportation in our area leaves much to be desired.

Hmm...maybe work is an idea. Maybe people should collectively agree to choose a day to not go to work in protest of gas prices. Let's face it, change doesn't come from the top; it comes from the ground.

Yes, yes, I know. I can hear the cries of "But I can't afford to take a day off! or "But it will hurt the economy!"

But really, unless you are financially well off (and even so I hope your screaming to high heavens on principle) can you really afford to keep paying the price of gas as well as all the consequences?

I know this would be difficult for small business owners, but isn't it you, the small business owner who is paying the greatest price? How much have you had to raise the price for your products or services? How many customers have you lost to big box/big business because they can afford to keep they're prices a bit lower?

I'm not saying just don't go to work on a certain day, I'm saying don't go ANYWHERE that you would have to use the liquid gold to get there. Don't send the kids to school, don't go to the store or the movies or anywhere you can't walk or ride your bike to.

Make it hurt. Yes, it will hurt us, but rarely has there been a STAND taken that didn't.

Ya' know when would be a good time to do something like this? After most of the USA citizens have received the tax break economy stimulus check the government is supposed to be mailing out in May. The rest of the world...sorry, I don't know if there would be a good time for you.

This is just an idea but if any of you wonderful people think it might be a good one, how about June, 30th 2008 as a tentative date? Right in the heart of Summer when it will hurt the worst.

If this is a terrible idea, feel free to tell me so. *shrug* I can't take the criticism. *big smile* Just don't bother telling me it's because you can't afford it or you're too scared. I can't afford it either but I'm willing to hurt a bit if I need to.

The first rule of fight club...

2007-12-27T09:50:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk today and am still floating on the seductive wave of dark crush the imagery and delicate taste of heroic insanity has instilled in my dulled and seeking senses.

I've been drawn, of late, to stories which scream for the unusual, for taking a stand, to fight the good fight or fight the bad fight really well. Tales dripping blue and crimson chaos, mayhem and passion fresh and wet.

I think it's a combination of never doing the law abiding thing very well, disgust with the current path of my nation and being thirty-eight and bored.

I read these incredible stories from the minds of people like Hal Duncan, Adlous Huxley, Chuck Palahniuk, Carlos Ruiz Zafon, Fitzgerald, Atwood, Hunter S. Thompson, ect... And I see movies like V for Vandetta, which is my current crush, along with A Love Song For Bobby Long and so many others and all of these tales touch that little passion chaos monkey deep within the heart of me.

Then I look around my little town and I see a bazaar and terrifying mix of complacency, routine and rampant meth or alcohol addiction where people are so fucking busy buzzing around their little box that they don't even look at each other.

Makes me want to point a gun at someones head and tell them, "In a year, if you're not on your way to doing what you really want to do I'll hunt you down and blow your brains out."

But ha ha, jokes on me because it might just be me I have to shoot. And there's the rub, I fill myself up til the ol' neurons are firing with change, beauty and chaos, but do I walk out my front door to instigate shit? Not so much.

Oh sure, in our little circle of central coast I'm a bit of an oddity because I say what I mean, look people right in the eye while I talk to them and raise my kids to be free thinkers but even I know in the depths of my little ass which is spreading ever so slightly to the sides from too much sitting in this desk chair that there is so much more I would relish in doing.

Funny, I sat down here for a bit of commentary on what I see around me and wound up looking at myself. Funny yet fitting I suppose.

Pissing in the ether

2007-12-21T07:27:00.000-08:00

Just a few silly words so these poor neglected blogs don't start developing abandonment issues.

Christmas is a fuck all of a holiday and I'd thumb my beautifully prominent nose at it if we didn't have three small kids at home. Regardless what I think of the materialistic bullshit I'm not telling my kids, "Let's skip the materialistic lost sight of whatever meaning may once have existed Christ day wasn't and isn't about Christ day and go to the beach".

So, we volunteer at the homeless shelter on Christmas Eve. so they have an idea of what they actually have.

I'll smile Holiday cheer into the faces of the people at work, and oft times actually mean it because I like people. We'll beat the living shit out of Peter to pay Paul and get through this fuck all time of year once again.

Damn, it may be I'm harboring a bit of bitterness. I'll look into that after the holidays.

To any readers I may have--which are probably few to non-existent since I'm too lazy to actually promote these--try, in between all the running around, buying crap and beating traffic to take a few precious moments to think for yourself what a real gift of love, good will, or honest to Bob give a shit about someone action might be...and then do it.

Until next year, you beautiful people...

Asshole

2007-12-08T05:31:00.000-08:00

"That guy is such an asshole!"

"That chic is such a bitch!"

I've heard this and said it and odds are so have you. Bob knows there are people who rub me the wrong way, people I instinctively avoid and feel repelled by but as I've gotten older and more adept at knowing myself and observing people I've come to realize it's not the assholes and bitches that send up that little red flag of warning.

There are a plethora of names for these others: dangerous, psycho, pedophile, pervert, cold-hearted back-stabbing rip off your face for breathing motherfuckers.

These are not the people I'm thinking of here.

I've noticed often times the person who wins the distinction of 'asshole' or 'bitch' is one who says and does what they please with no excuses or apology. One who scoffs at political correctness or tact as a pointless waste of breath, time and a distortion of truth. One who does what is best for them with no prevarication or embarrassment.

Whether one has had this swagger since their first step or it is a flashy dance step learned to hide and protect a creamy center, there is a beauty to their movements which I find worthy of admiration and respect.

The most interesting thing for me, though, is to observe the reaction of others to the asshole/bitch. I find the most telling reactions to be distaste, derision, anger, intimidation, timidity and down right hatred.

The fun and refreshing reactions are often acceptance, respect, an introspecting look at why there was an 'ouch' moment, and perhaps even a mild but honest admiration.

What a droll and dreary existence if I were surrounded by naught but the amiable, decorous and ingratiating.

Maybe shake it up a bit, kick that waltz to a salsa and enjoy a good asshole.

Blog claiming

2007-11-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

Life is a step by step learning process. This is me stepping.

Technorati Profile

Current book:

2007-11-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

The Magnum Opiate Of~ Malaclypse The Younger
Principia Discordia

So far (still in the intro) it's fun, interesting and has sent me a time or two for research. Nothing shocking...yet...but we shall see.

Later, my thoughts on the inherent, unique beauty of an asshole. No, not the anus, you perv.

Wait with bated breath. If you pass out, know that I love you then start holding your breath again.

Change...

2007-11-11T06:56:00.000-08:00

My landscape has become a tad unfamiliar. It's exciting, exhilarating and frustrating.
Pretty sensuous pissy change...

That is all.

Updates for no reason...

2007-08-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

Life's been wonderful, hectic and full of change. Chaotic change which is, of course, the best kind.

We've moved a few streets over and a few miles down, figured out our middle son is dyslexic (relief, really, since now we can figure out how to best teach him) and are continuing our dance of death with finances.

I've given up entirely on an on-line community I've been a member of for years. Nazi ego crazy lost sight of intent bastards have taken over the serfs and the villages are burning. Burn baby Burn!
I've broken free of my mediocre shackles and relief is flooding my senses.

Since the burning of the village, I've fallen under the lovely thrall of a group of people ranging from full blown Discordian's to GIGGLING trolls. I'm having fun, broadening my horizons and it's been a welcome reminder to never accept the perspective of mundane.

Well, that's all for now because I'm bored with this. Good day, beautiful people and remember; if you don't feel like smiling, try screaming really loud.

P.S. Dear Mr. Duncan, if you ever chance across this silly little place please know I've borrowed her name out of love and deep abiding twisted admiration. *huge grin*

P.P.S. The date is actually October, 28th, 2007. I had an add posted before to score $10. but didn't need or like it there anymore. Bad me. *shrug*

Yin Yang

2007-06-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

Decompression
(ode to thrash)

Dark voice seeping
through walls
with glowing eyes
and a smile
to eat the world

Cradle me in violence
titillate me with rage

Gravel and angst
stimulating neurons
tranquility
equanimity

When life is kind
and bills are paid
give me Mozart
and strawberry fields

But when beauty
turns to beast
and its tale is
down my throat

Cradle me in violence
titillate me with rage
tranquility
equanimity

There is a perfect, sensual beauty in the Darkness which makes up the Whole of a person.
Which makes an experience worthy of Life.
Being an undying optimist doesn't make me less of a realist. The dark thoughts flickering through eyes are just as beautiful, just as necessary as the altruistic.
Life is not pretty, but it is wondrously beautiful with its ever flowing currents of loving anguish and horrible, heart-stopping tragic radiance.

I admire the fire in my children's defiance.
I love my villians every bit as much as my heroes.
While the gentle touch of a lover's hand calms my savage beast, it's his barely held strength which ignites the fire in my blood.

Yang without Yin is a zombie face in a wasteland of non-experience.

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder

2007-02-12T16:49:00.000-08:00

I've always found that statement to be achingly true.

I remember, as a child, being easily distracted by the almost devastating beauty I saw in people. Not only by their simple presence, but by small details which stood out with blinding clarity to my fresh young mind.

As I grew older, I, as do most teens, began hyper focusing on the whole. Who is that? How do they relate to my life? Where did she get that shirt? *big smile*
Although I was still easily distracted by random details of beauty the forest was muted by the sheer volume of trees.

My twenties almost warped my sense of beauty. Too many "I gotta do-s", "I gotta get-s" and the perception warping "I gotta be-s". Too many years dulled by drugs, stress, anger, pain and the self-imposed blinders I felt were necessary just to get through each day.

I tell ya', it was close.

"What," you may ask, "saved your numbed butt from the abyss of faded colors and unnoticed details?

As cliche as this may sound, it was the heartrending details of my children and my husband. By so openly allowing me access to the tiny pieces which made up their whole, they re-awakened my slumbering sense of awe which in turn precipitated the headlong dive into my own spirit.

While not nearly so young, and certainly not fresh, my minds eye once more sees beauty with shocking clarity. I'm happily distracted by the color of eyes, the fine bones of a hand, grace in movement, voice timbre, scars, wrinkles, smiles, frowns...

You know what else I noticed? It's so easy to feel compassion for those whom I find beautiful. It's easier to pay attention to the person when I look for that little something which is beautifully unique to them.

I'm happier because I notice the beauty in people. It's effected the people I deal with in my personal life and my job. I really look at people and the tiny little flare of love I feel for the beauty I see manifests in the attention I give them.

Maybe this is another small way to make life more pleasant? To make the day more enjoyable? To make the World a better place?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Beauty is in the unique perspective of the beholder.
Beauty is in the tiny little details which only you will notice.

One step at a time

2007-02-11T21:19:00.000-08:00

I'm going to tell you right up front that I like people. "I'm a fan of Man" (10 points to all who get that twisted little reference) and I believe in the intrinsic goodness of human beings. If you hate people individually or as a whole, this blog really isn't going to make you happy and you won't hurt my feelings in the least if you hit the proverbial highway.

I've spent half of my life feeling a bit foolish and naive because I honestly feel that most people have an incredible capacity for goodness. I decided quite a while ago that being embarrassed about what is an essential part of my nature is a damned rediculous way to go through life. So, screw that. Because I like people I've put a lot of thought into realistic ways to make the 'world a better place'. Ya' know, that phrase sounds really trite. Let me be honest here; I've put a lot of thought into what makes people act like such assholes to each other and what can be done about it.

While I'm a deeply spiritual person, I'm not religious. I don't think the answer is to be found in religion. I damned sure don't think it's to be found in politics. *scoff* Nor have I found any institution of substance which seems to have the answer.

So, where does this leave us? I think it leaves us with the individual. Me. You.

I'm not talking about an instant revamp of society here. I'm not jumping off my ass and running out with the negligent bit of funds I have to try to feed the hungry masses. I'm not planning on going to the nearest street corner and bullying an old lady into letting me help her across the street.

I believe in the bottom line and keeping it simple.

Every day I start my morning with a daily affirmation. (Don't groan until you hear me out and if you still think I'm a silly feel good bitch then piss on you after I kiss your forehead) "I have a positive effect on all those I come in contact with."

Simple and to the point.

Have you thought lately about the power of a random smile, for both the giver and receiver? I work in a bookstore in a mall. When I walk from my car to the store I make a conscious decision to smile at anyone I make eye contact with. Out of every ten people I may get two sour looks and eight smiles. I can live with those numbers. While I like to think that those eight people are likely to pass on the smile it doesn't make or break me if they do or not. I made them smile and that's all I can do.

You want to go even more simple than that? Not overly comfortable smiling at strangers? No problem. How about looking that poor over worked chic at your nearest convenience store in the eye and saying "thank you"--and mean it. Open a door for someone. Let's be honest here; we've moved way beyond gender rolls, right? So what does it matter if your a man or a woman? Hold the damned door so the next person can walk in. Hell, let's go nuts and let them walk in first! Have we gotten so competitive that we can't even let someone get through a door before us or have we just gotten so damned callous and blind that we don't think about it?

You want to get really crazy? You ever look at someone and think, 'damn, they have beautiful eyes'? Or maybe great hair, awesome smile, bitchin' shoes... Why not tell them so? You really can compliment someone and then just walk away. I've done it and check me out, I'm still standing (okay, right now I'm sitting, but you get my point.)

Ya' know the movie "Pay it Forward"? I'm talking that but on a small and personal scale. A lot of times all it takes to make someone else feel like a valued human being is to notice them.

I have a lot more ideas and things I've tried to implement in my daily life, but I'll give you a chance to decide if you think everything I've said so far is just so much crap or if it makes even a little bit of sense.

I'll start the ball rolling. Since I have some practice at this I'm going to start big and let you take it from there in whatever way you're comfortable with.

Ready?

You *points at every one of you* are a beautiful, valued, integral part of this global community. Go ahead and blush, but please don't look away because I mean every word.

Okay, your turn.